Philip Pape: 0:01

So you've decided to transform your eating habits. You're aiming for a healthier lifestyle, but there's this one little problem your family isn't on board. Every meal feels like a battle between your goals and their preferences. You're torn between sticking to your plan and keeping the peace at the dinner table. Does that sound familiar to you? Today, we are tackling the dilemma of what to do when your family isn't fully on board with how you eat or even your overall health and fitness goals. You'll learn how to navigate this tricky situation without sacrificing your goals or your relationships. Whether you're dealing with a spouse who loves junk food, kids who refuse vegetables, or parents who insist on traditional, very calorie-laden recipes, this episode will help you find both balance and success. After all, who doesn't want a little bit of harmony in their household? Welcome to Wits and Weights, the podcast that blends evidence and engineering to help you build smart, efficient systems to achieve your dream physique.

Philip Pape: 1:05

I'm your host, philip Pape, and today we're diving into a topic that hits close to home for many of us, and that is how to eat healthy when your family doesn't. And this was inspired by a really good question from one of our listeners, colton Y. Colton sent me a message. He reached out and asked me this question. I gave him some personalized advice, but I wanted to address it in general for those listening and give you some of my favorite strategies for this that I've helped clients with, and I want to give Colton a shout out for his question. Here's what he asked how do you go about being the only one in your family trying to eat healthy? How do you balance being or eating healthy with a family who isn't interested and I hear this all the time. I get asked about this on podcasts, both for family in general, but also kids, right, it kind of all applies to the same thing. So you're definitely not alone, colton. Many of us face these challenges of trying to balance what we find extremely important with family dynamics where not everybody necessarily finds it as important or even cares. Right, or even, in some cases, they try to sabotage you because they feel threatened. Right, there's a lot of different reasons for it, but today we're going to take a positive lens on this and we're going to explore strategies that will help you stay on track without causing as much friction at home and kind of make it all work without changing other people. Right, if you can inspire other people. That's awesome, but you can't expect to change them. So how can we focus on ourselves to make this successful?

Philip Pape: 2:37

Now, before we dive in, if you are facing any challenges like this and you have questions about balancing your fitness journey with family life or anything like that, I want to invite you to join our free Facebook group. That is a very supportive community where you will find like-minded people who are supportive of your goals, who have similar goals, and you could ask questions, you could share your experiences, you could share your wins, you can get advice from other people, and then you could even post a personal question about your situation in our Friday Ask Philip live session. So I will basically do a Q&A in a live and I will answer your very specific context-based question. So to join our Facebook group, just click the link in the show notes or search for Wits and Weights on Facebook. Pretty simple.

Philip Pape: 3:22

Now let's get into today's topic, which is really how do you eat, quote unquote healthy. Now, healthy is a subjective term, but it's basically how do you eat the way you want for your goals to build muscle, to lose fat, to live a long life, to get the nutrients you need all that stuff when others in your household might not want to eat the same way and they may even have a different opinion or belief on what healthy is for them. They may have health goals and yet still believe that, for example, you have to cut carbs and they just don't eat any carbs and you do because you know it helps building muscle and give you energy. So there are differences we can have and preferences we can have. That don't mean that we're not supporting each other on our goals. It's just that the way we want to get there might differ Different perspectives, different strokes, different folks.

Philip Pape: 4:09

So today we are going to cover this challenge, what it looks like, what do we mean by this? We're going to go over three strategies that I really like. I could definitely give you 10 more, 20 more, as always, but I don't like to overwhelm you. I want to just focus on three that I think you can apply just one of these or all three for maximum effect and maintain harmony in your family, and then how to implement them with some real life situations. So I want to break it up that way and, starting with just this challenge, like what is it and can you relate to this and what it looks like, is this eating differently from your family?

Philip Pape: 4:45

Because food is such a cultural and personal experience, it can feel isolating, and I've felt this many times myself over the years where I had these extreme diets. My wife wasn't really on board, which I couldn't blame her in hindsight. I was kind of the one pushing for something that didn't quite make sense. And you have this tug of war, you have this battle brewing. So it could be between you and your spouse. It could be between you and your kids, who don't want to eat certain foods. The older they are and the less that they've been educated that way, the harder it is. It could be with a roommate as well. It could be when you go to family events with your grandparents who want you to eat their famous baked goods and will feel insulted if you don't. You might face skepticism, you might face teasing, you might face all sorts of resistance from loved ones who just don't understand your choices. And what does this lead to? Stress, stress at mealtimes, temptation to give up on your goals because it's just too much to fight. It can lead to strain on your relationships. I do think this is a really important thing, and so, colton, your question is very pertinent and I wasn't even going to address this anytime soon, so I'm glad you brought it up Now.

Philip Pape: 5:57

You, you, dear listener, you, me, everyone our health journeys are very personal, right? They're very, very personal. Even if you and the person next to you both want to build muscle, both want to lose fat, both want to be healthy, the way you get there is still going to be personal, and so even that can create friction. And, at the end of the day, what are we doing? We are making choices that align with our values and our goals. That is it, and the challenge lies in pursuing those goals while maintaining the positive family dynamics which can often go against them, right? So I'm just laying out what this looks like. You, listening, might have a very specific scenario you're thinking of, and if, by the end of the episode, I don't address that scenario enough for you, please just reach out and send me a message. You send a text message. You can contact me on instagram at wits and weights. All the info is in the episode, in the show notes.

Philip Pape: 6:53

So let's dive into three very powerful strategies to navigate this situation, and then I'm gonna come back to these again just to reinforce them, but with examples. So the first one is it's really all about you leading by example right, focusing on your own choices, owning them, having agency, being empowered and not pressuring others. So, on one hand, you are being the person you aspire to be. You are living into that identity. Who are you? You're that athlete, you're the person who trains, you're the person who supports and fuels your body right, and you therefore make choices for that. You don't cut things out, you don't deprive yourself, you don't feel like you can't do things. When you go to a party, if you choose to have that cake, you choose to have that cake, you have it, or you choose not to, and you say I'm not eating the cake, that's it. That's just my choice and I'm not going to pressure you one way or the other.

Philip Pape: 7:59

You also demonstrate to others how healthy eating and by healthy eating, again, I mean an overall healthy dietary pattern full of whole foods, full of protein, fiber, things that support you you demonstrate why that helps you through your actions, but also through your results, and so, over time this is what I found as well people will start to ask me questions like hey, how are you eating? How is that working for you? What's working for you and you can use that as an opportunity to open up the dialogue once they've asked, and they can choose to do it or not, because all of this stuff takes a little bit of work and it takes change and not everyone is ready for that. But if you've at least demonstrated through your actions and they see you're getting healthier and you're looking more vibrant and you have more energy and you're looking jacked and you're looking great in your clothes, whatever the thing is that can inspire others. And finally, as part of this whole thing, when you think about how you communicate and are open about your journey, you're not doing it to preach or to criticize others' choices, and it is a fine line.

Philip Pape: 9:00

Sometimes I kind of relate to other choices we make, like we homeschool our kids, and let me tell you, people are easily open to criticizing and judging you for doing that. And yet I would never judge someone for sending their kids to public that. And yet I would never judge someone for sending their kids to public school, even though I would love to retort with whatever claim they're making against us teaching our kids at home why it might be 10 times worse sending your kids to public school, in my opinion. In my brain right. We think those things. Same thing with food. Somebody's like well, carbs are going to make you fat. I'm cutting carbs. Why are you doing that? And you want to be defensive and you want to preach about it. That's not going to win any battles at all. It's probably going to make people more stubborn.

Philip Pape: 9:39

There's a famous quote that goes those convinced against their will are of the same opinion. Still, people have to be open to the change. So, talking about it in a way that is about you and not them saying, hey, I chose to do this for this reason. This is why I'm doing this. I love doing this, because I'm very excited about this, because, right Again, when people ask us about our kids and homeschooling, they're like well, are you worried about socialization? And I'm like, oh yeah, I was so worried about that. That's one of the reasons we chose a homeschool, because we get to have our kids with all kids of all ages. They get to be socialized with their parents, who are, in our opinion, their best influence. And I can go on and on and make the argument, but my point is you're not starting with the preaching or the criticizing. You are simply responding to what they say and being excited about it and putting it back into your own experience. So that's leading by example and again I'm going to come back with how to put these into action with some more specifics related to eating in particular.

Philip Pape: 10:39

The second one here is the second strategy is kind of the in-between strategy and that is finding creative compromises. So you're not trying to go all the way and change everybody else. You're not changing even if you're the primary chef of the family or the cook of the family. I say chef kind of like a joke, because many of you may have a to order system where three different people have three different meals, including your kids, and you're making it for them as if it's a restaurant and you could laugh maybe, but there is something there to think about whether that's the best approach for everyone. But when we talk about creative compromises, if you can cook a shared meal, right, the meal that everyone eats at the table, that's a little bit customized so that everyone's preferences are acknowledged and met in some right. So where you might have five foods and Jimmy has two of those foods and your wife has two of those and you have two of those and all the food's getting eaten but not everyone is eating every food. Ah, that's a nice way to compromise, where you're still getting the high protein piece over here or the vegetable over here that maybe not everyone else wants, but you're kind of overlapping with each other at the table, also introducing, let's say, healthier versions or nudging family favorites, things that you have on a regular basis that everyone already likes, and kind of nudging them in a healthier direction, either by simply modifying some of the main ingredients or, I'll say, sneaking in vegetables. But you should probably talk about it, let them know you're doing that. But once they realize, hey, this is not so bad, maybe can do this, it kind of opens up the doors.

Philip Pape: 12:14

And then, of course, planning ahead. We always want to plan ahead when it comes to eating, when it comes to food, when it comes to macros and calories and all that Planning ahead is always going to produce the emotion, the decision fatigue, the gut reactions later on. And so, if you can plan ahead for family gatherings, big meals, big holiday meals, to ensure that you at least have some options in there that align with you. And one great way to do this is say, hey, I'm going to bring a dish or two for you guys, that's two less things that you have to make. Um, I do this all the time with my in-laws, where you know they make. They make a good spread of meat, but let's just say the vegetables are a bit limited. Or there are things like macaroni salad right, people love macaroni salad, but it's pasta with a little bit of veggies and some cream. And then I'll say, hey, I'm going to bring some roasted Brussels sprouts, right? Or I'm going to bring some green beans or a big salad. And so you can get these compromises where you're not forcing anybody to do anything, you're just getting in the foods that you want, right. So that's the second strategy is some sort of compromise that nudges things where you are satisfied and you're able to meet your goals and you're not really changing anyone else. But again, you're showing through your actions maybe you're kind of tying this to the first strategy that some of these things can be tasty and delicious and you might want to try them. Maybe, maybe not, we'll see. So that's the second.

Philip Pape: 13:35

Hey, this is Philip and I hope you're enjoying this episode of Wits and Weights. I started Wits and Weights to help ambitious individuals in their 30s, 40s and beyond who want to build muscle, lose fat and finally look like they lift. I've noticed that when people transform their physique, they not only look and feel better, but they also experience incredible changes in their health, confidence and overall quality of life. If you're listening to this podcast, I assume you want the same thing to build your ultimate physique and unlock your full potential, whether you're just starting out or looking to take your progress to the next level. That's why I created wits and Weights Physique University, a semi-private group coaching experience designed to help you achieve your best physique ever. With a personalized, done-for-you nutrition plan, custom-designed courses, new workout programs each month, live coaching calls and a supportive community, you'll have access to everything you need to succeed. If you're ready to shatter your plateaus and transform your body and life, head over to witsandweightscom slash physique or click the link in the show notes to enroll today. Again, that's witsandweightscom slash physique. I can't wait to welcome you to the community and help you become the strongest, leanest and healthiest version of yourself. Now back to the show.

Philip Pape: 14:55

The third strategy. Okay, and I was arguing no, I was. What's the word? I was wondering whether I should put this first or last, and I kept it for last, but for many of you, this actually needs to be the very first thing, and this is communicating, needs to be the very first thing, and this is communicating, communicating openly, communicating openly and, as part of that, getting the support you need. So this may or may not apply to your situation. You may not have the relationship where this can happen, but I think almost any relationship just talking through things, even if you're scared about what will happen, is often the best thing you can do. It gets things out in the open.

Philip Pape: 15:33

You have an honest conversation with your loved one, with your family, with your kids, with your extended family, about your health goals and why they're important to you. You're not convincing them, you're not telling them they need to do this. You're not guilt tripping them. You're simply saying here are my here's, why they're important to me and here's why I tend to make some of these choices that you might find weird or be skeptical of or try to pressure me against. This is why I'm doing it. That's it. This is why I'm doing it. This is why I don't drink alcohol. This is why, when you bring your famous Waldorf salad, I have a very small portion. You know Waldorf salad, I have a very small portion. This is why I do it. Okay, I love what you make. It's delicious and I also have these goals that I'm meeting. So this is why I do it.

Philip Pape: 16:17

So you want to have the honest conversation, but also then ask for their support. My friend Carl Carl Berryman. He would say ask for a spot, right, ask for their support, ask for a spot Even if they don't join you in changing their habits. Ask for them to help you out. And we'll talk about some specifics, but one that comes to mind, for example, is just your food environment. If they want to eat what they want to eat, fine, let's just make it less visible. Can you help me out with that? Little things like that? And, of course, if you want to extend this whole support thing to the next level, it would be actually actively finding like-minded people who do share your values and goals. That may not be in your family, right, they may be in our Facebook group, they may be friends, you know other people, your training partner, so that you could get, you can motivate each other, you could get ideas. You could ask them hey, what would you do in this situation? And you know that you're not alone, you're not on an island, all right. So those are the three strategies. Now we're going to revisit them here with some specifics that will help.

Philip Pape: 17:19

Sometimes I don't these days I don't do like a lot of how to and I think in this case I wanted to give you a picture of how these could be applied. There are a million ways to do it and, of course, if you want to know how to apply this to your situation, this is where I encourage you to reach out to me. Schedule a free call there's a link in the show notes or just send me a message and say hey, that was great, I love this idea, but how do I apply that to my situation? X? Xyz.

Philip Pape: 17:45

So let's go back to leading by example. How can you lead by example? One way to do this is adding extra vegetables, choosing leaner proteins, adjusting the portion sizes of your own plate. Now, you're like duh right, listen to what I'm saying. Your wife serves you. Let's say you may clean your plate. Well, what if you instead ate all the lean protein? You asked for more vegetables and then you may not eat as much of the starch because that's your portion size. Now, again, this may not work with everybody. This may offend your wife, whatever, and this is where I think talking through this stuff is important, where you could say, hey, can I have just a smaller portion of that and a larger portion of that, and start to nudge your plate.

Philip Pape: 18:31

When family members then notice this and when they ask about the weird choices you're making, that is where you say you can explain your goals positively, say, yeah, I know, thanks for noticing. Here's what I'm doing. I'm just trying to up my protein and I noticed I wasn't getting enough. My coach is having me track that. You could always use your coach as an excuse, even if it's like you're not paying it for a coach and it's your podcast guy, philip, just just call me your coach. Yeah, my coach asked me to eat more protein, so I'm trying to do this. And hey, if you want to try this food that I'm eating, go for it, like if you're curious about it. It's pretty cool. I put this awesome sauce on it and the spicy rub on it, whatever. And then the other thing is you could share how you're progressing and how you're feeling as you make these changes, again focusing on you and the benefits that you're experiencing. So leading by example can literally start on the plate at the family dinners by choosing the foods that work for you and putting that in combination with having those options available for you without trying to force anyone else to do anything.

Philip Pape: 19:34

The second strategy about creative compromises. What can you do there? All right, for a shared meal I kind of alluded to this earlier but you can use the build your own approach. Okay, yes, it's kind of like a buffet, but it's not like you're providing 20 options. You're setting out some ingredients or a couple sides and a couple meats, something like that. And this is where meal prep can be very helpful, because if you've meal prepped a lot of these things, then you can mix and match throughout the week and so people can customize their plate a bit. Right, this could make it fun. You could have taco night, you could have salad bar, you could have stir fry and yeah, my mind just burped right there because I was in the middle of a non-thought, kind of like a black abyss in my brain for a few seconds, and I'm going to keep this on the recording for you guys, so you could maybe relate. Okay, and then you could, as part of fighting creative compromises, gradually introduce healthier ingredients into family recipes.

Philip Pape: 20:33

Again, I say healthier, I just mean, in relative terms, of things that you want to eat more of. So swapping pasta with zucchini noodles or using Greek yogurt instead of sour cream, I mean some things like that one Greek yogurt you don't even notice, like put it on your taco and don't tell anybody and they're going to be like, ooh, this sour cream is delicious. Now, some people may be more sensitive to that with their taste, but some things are not that different. And then when you go out to eat, suggest restaurants that offer the range of options that suit everyone's preferences not just yours, but others. You know, always be cognizant of what other people want. You're not trying to change them. You're not trying to go somewhere that has, like all the high protein stuff you love but nothing no one else likes. You want to find things that kind of satisfy multiple preferences. It's like my friends who are vegan or vegetarian. I've got to be cognizant that we're not going to necessarily a barbecue place every time where they have all. Their only option is like broccoli slaw. You know we're going to some other restaurants that have more options. So that's what I'm talking about with being creative.

Philip Pape: 21:35

And then the last thing communicating openly and seeking support. Specifically, what can you do here, I would schedule a family meeting or just, hopefully, you talk to your spouse, your wife, your husband on a regular basis I mean, if you're not doing that to begin with, that is a good place to start anyway and then discuss your health goals, just explain why you're making the changes, how it's going to affect your meal planning, where you store food in the house, like in your fridge and cabinets, your grocery shopping. And this is a great opportunity for you to step it up and volunteer to do some things, volunteer to do a chore, volunteer to do the grocery shopping, and you kind of get a two-for-one you are providing support to someone else. They don't have to do that thing and you're getting a little bit of control over the situation to help yourself out. But remember you're not trying to push away or push out other people's preferences as you do that. You're simply trying to add in the things that will support you.

Philip Pape: 22:31

And if someone else is doing the grocery shopping, you say, hey, do you mind if I add some things to the list and if you can give them a little flexibility? Right, don't necessarily say I have to have this exact thing, this exact brand, blah, blah, blah. Now, in some cases, you know, like with my wife, I'm like fair life chocolate milk. You know, right, she knows, just put it on the list, honey, and I'll get it. It's no big deal, but it affects everything. It affects your planning for your meals and all of that. But you have to talk about it.

Philip Pape: 23:00

Also, ask your family for specific ways that they can support you. Can they keep the foods out of sight that are tempting you? Are they open to trying new recipes together? Are they open to it? And then you can make a fun thing of it. You can say, hey, let's look for recipes together, or maybe even bring up ones that look good to you. Say, hey, which of these three things do you like the most? Giving them options. It's like which of these three things would you like the most? And there's gotta be something that people like, even if their preferences are a little bit different.

Philip Pape: 23:32

But the key here, the key here is to focus on your own journey, your own experience, while being respectful of others' choices. Right? That's where you're going to find that balance. And that honestly applies to everything, right? Everything in life. And the cool thing about all this if you do it that way, that is ultimately what is going to have a positive ripple effect on your family. Even if they're not actively participating and making that choice right now, they're going to see those results.

Philip Pape: 24:02

Research has shown that when one family member adopts healthier habits, it can influence the behaviors of others over time, and that's called the halo effect time. And it's that's called the halo effect. Hello, hello. No, that's the halo effect, which means your choices will subtly inspire changes in others, in your family's eating habits, definitely in your kids. I mean, kids are super impressionable when they're young, so why not impress them with good eating? And you may not even realize it that they're doing this because you're just not trying to force it on them. There's a study published in the international journal of behavioral, nutrition and physical activity that found when parents increase their fruit and vegetable consumption, their children are more likely to do the same. So if you're not even doing it yourself, that's going to be a problem. The person who asked the question today was was starting with the premise that they already were making those healthier choices for themselves and their family wasn't quite on board. The person who asked the question today was starting with the premise that they already were making those healthier choices for themselves and their family wasn't quite on board, but the more you do it in front of others and then they see the results, the more they're going to want to do it.

Philip Pape: 25:02

So stay consistent with your habits. Stay consistent with your habits, that's very important and then you're planting the seeds maybe most likely for positive change beyond you, beyond you to your family, to your loved ones. And it's not gonna happen overnight, just like your own journey isn't an overnight thing. It's the commitment to these goals over time and that's the catalyst for the healthier household in the long run. And you hear how positive and the kind of positive energy I have about this. I think that's the way it's most helpful when you're communicating this, as opposed to a negative lens, because that is what people will respond to and they'll know that you're excited about it and there's a reason you're excited for it and you're persevering. When you do this, you're doing the hard thing, but you're sticking with it, even if it feels like you're the only one doing it. I know I with it. Even if it feels like you're the only one doing it, I know, I know it can feel like an island. Know that your actions are making a difference, both for you and, potentially, for your loved ones.

Philip Pape: 26:00

So, as we wrap up, let me just recap the main points. Number one leading by example. Super powerful. You don't create conflict by doing that. You simply do it from your own experience. Number two finding creative compromises. So compromise, you get something, they get something, no one is made unhappy. You're actually adding into the situation so that you can stay true to your goals but still respect family traditions, family preferences. And then third, open communication.

Philip Pape: 26:29

You have to talk about this stuff with people. You just have to talk with people both inside and outside your family, anyone who you interact with regarding food, I mean maybe not the guy at the food truck, right, but the people you eat with, because it's such a deep cultural experience that we put so much pressure on ourselves with and we're not trying to change it all overnight. We just can't. It's so deeply embedded. We just want to create the environment, nudge an environment toward where we can thrive, where you can thrive in your journey and maintain those positive relationships.

Philip Pape: 27:03

And Colton, who wrote in the question, and everyone else who's facing this challenge you're not alone. You're not alone. I mean, this is so common you don't even understand it. It's almost every client of mine has some situation like this in their family, some situation, and there's always a little different flavor to it and we have to attack the problem very specifically for them. But it's absolutely possible, no matter who you are Right, and if the situation is so toxic that there's no way at all, that's an indication of other things that you might want to deal with. So I'm kind of assuming that your loved ones are people you love and they love you, and therefore there's room for compromise, there's room for discussion, there's room for creativity and patience, and then the rewards are going to be there for your health and for your relationships. So two for one, you get two for one there.

Philip Pape: 27:50

All right, if you found value in today's episode, I encourage you to join our free facebook group because that is a great place to connect with others who for sure are going to support you. They for sure are on a similar journey, whether it's food training, and in our group it is even more of a kind of narrow niche of people specifically focused on body composition. They know the importance of muscle for longevity and health. They know the value of carbs and balance and flexibility. Like carbs, protein, fats. They don't exclude things they don't restrict. If you're looking for that environment of people and if you want to be able to ask questions and get very specific answers, join our Facebook group. Link in the show notes. Search for Wits and Weights on Facebook Very easy. Reach out to me anytime and until next time, keep using those wits, keep lifting some weights and remember that your health journey is yours, it's uniquely yours, but you don't have to go it alone. I'll talk to you next time here on the Wits and Weights podcast.